I'm am perfectionist. There. I said it. I'm also the mom of 3 boys. Sounds like a contradiction, right? To be a mom and a perfectionist? You're right. It is. I get myself in a lot of needless trouble. It's *fun.*
When pregnant with my first, as most of us parents, I "knew" what kind of mom I'd be- perfect, naturally. Well, let's rewind a bit. There was a period of time I didn't want to be a mom. I was terrified. It looked way too hard. This was shortly after I'd watched my sister's 4 children while she and her husband went to London for about a week. I was graduated from college and well capable of such a task, but I walked away from that experience in awe at the daily juggling act my sister kept up. "Forget it," I told myself. "I can't do that."
Later I somehow knew becoming a mother was in the cards for me. I hadn't met my husband yet, but deep down I knew that was in God's plan for me. How could I bring a child into this world unwanted? That happens too often as it is. So I prayed. A lot. After some time my desires changed. I wanted to be a mom.
After marrying the best man on the planet, that desire amplified. Our oldest arrived after we'd been married 2 1/2 years. And then began my own juggling act. Did I mention I've never officially learned how to juggle?
Now, almost 9 years later, I've learned and grown more than I thought possible. 2 more boys joined our pack (ages 6 and 3). Most days I feel like a big hot mess (my husband's response to this, "At least you're still hot!" yep, he's the bomb). Every day is a new adventure at navigating wrestling matches gone awry, spilled milk AGAIN, changing diapers, remembering medications, trying hard not to get in power struggles with my oldest (he is a negotiator and it better make him lots of money some day!), and deciding what's for dinner. Add the fact that I work as a Microbiologist part time and we have a recipe for one tired mama. What would I trade? Nothing. Well, I take that back, if anyone wants to give me money, I'll take it. Buuuuut if I had to give up anything I mentioned above for money, not on your life!
Even if our oldest has leukemia. He'll thankfully be done with treatment this coming fall. It will have been a 3 year and 4 month battle. We have grown in ways we wouldn't trade for anything. Experience is the most powerful teacher. Does is royally suck sometimes? More than I can ever put into words. I have shaken my fists at the Heavens, I have used profanity (I was taught that swearing is really bad), I have fallen to my knees in weariness multiple times, I have been so tired and shocked that tears are impossible. And yet, I'm still breathing. And my children still, shockingly, love me. All this is part of my personal, Motherly, journey. Why I have been asked to experience what I have? I'm not sure. I'm also not sure that's the point or the best question to ask. All I know is these are ways I'm being proven, tested, stretched. I'm learning about myself. I'm learning what I'm made of. God already knows. I now get to find out. It's messy and ugly, a lot, but it's 100% my life.
What being a mom of my 3 sons will look like in the future, what challenges we'll face, whether or not the cancer returns, what squabbles I'll try to ignore tomorrow, I can't say. But this I do know, I'm irreplaceable to my children. I'm their ONLY Mom. No one else can or ought to do my job. And so, even if it includes catching barf in the car with one hand (10 minutes from home on a long car ride), trips to the ER with a febrile cancer child, rescuing my fearless toddler from the deep end of the pool, and dealing with a moody kindergartner, there's no place I'd rather be. It may seem thankless, but there's something divine to this thing we call Motherhood. And that trumps all the glory, fame, and riches the world could offer.
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