What can I say? I'm stubborn, mule-headed, ornery. Sometimes it has its benefits. Other times I'm not really sure. Lately there has been some doubt. For longer than I can remember, my hips have felt somewhat off. I couldn't ever put my finger on it. Until just a short time ago. I forced myself to stay still through an MRI (man, are those machines outrageously noisy!) and then was told the heads of my femurs aren't quite shaped right. That means part of them rub against the hip joint socket abnormally. Well then. And since I always need more excitement in my life, the orthopedic and I decided me seeing the surgeon was my best option. I mean, let's face it, I've already done conservative treatment for hips- ridiculous amounts of physical therapy (to the point that I consider the 2 PTs I saw to now be my friends- we're *that* tight). So why not go under the knife? I mean, really!
Bottom line, I want to run free again. I want to not feel that pinching at the front of my hips when I swim laps. I want to not be afraid to go on a hike with my small children and wonder how much uphill I can manage before I feel the pain and stiffness yet again. I want to help my husband get ready for bow hunting by spending time in the mountains with him. I want to make it through 3 hours of church every Sunday without suffering for it the rest of the day. I want to be able to go to bed without a good 30-40 minutes of massage rolling in the exact same spots every. single. night. I just want to feel like an active woman in her late 30's ought to! Is that really too much to ask? According to me, nope. So I'm not stopping until I've exhausted all my options. This is when I wonder if my stubborness is a crux.
I have the kind of husband every sensible woman dreams of. He's tall, dark, and handsome. He loves me and thinks I'm hot even with my saggy post-3-children belly skin and genetically-cursed varicose veins on my legs. He goes out of his way to make me happy. He's been at almost every marathon finish line- with the kids (if you've ever been to one and you're not the one running, talk about booooooring!). He's going to take time off work to be home when I have my ominous and outright scary surgery. He, the ever-tight wad,consented to us spending $900 on a golden retriever puppy because I all-of-a-sudden fell in love with the neighbor's puppies (I'm very much NOT a pet person and have been resisting the idea of getting a dog for an inordinate amount of time even though everyone else in the house wants one). So yeah, he's pretty awesome. Yes, he's human- very much so. But I love him and am blown away by the fact that he still loves me. If that doesn't show his strength of character, I don't know what does!
Why do I mention my manly man in all of this? He hasn't once said he thinks I'm overdoing it by wanting surgery. He hasn't once asked me to stop chasing my dreams (has he helped temper them to the realms of reality?- yes). I wouldn't be able to even continue in my mule-headed ways if it wasn't for him. Now whether that's for my ultimate benefit of detriment, time will tell, but he really is my better half. And, I might as well mention, he actually might be more stubborn than me. I cold write a whole book on that, but today is not that day.
So here I am, biding time until I have my consultation with the surgeon in about 2 1/2 weeks. Thankfully I have a move and a family wedding to keep me extremely occupied until then. But even so, time can sure creep along at a snail's pace. Patience and I have a dysfunctional relationship.
Monday, April 23, 2018
Monday, February 6, 2017
No More!
In our American culture, we hear an awful lot about stress. There are seminars on how to decrease stress, yoga classes fill up as people hope it will help lower stress. There are articles, books, gadgets, hypnosis, etc. It's all aimed at getting us to manage or decrease our stress. Frankly, all this attention on stress stresses me out! Can I just live my life calmly and enjoy it?! Sadly, I'm often too high-strung for that. Sometimes even that part of myself stresses me out. Ya, I know.
Do I have stress? Well, I'm a mom of 3, I work part time (thankfully not full time), my husband is a law enforcement officer (parole agent), I've been suffering from low back and hip pain for months now agonizing through physical therapy and hoping to run free and clear, my mom's health is slowly failing, and my oldest child is smack dab in the middle of 3+ years of leukemia treatment. So, the answer is a resounding, "YES!" Sometimes I think I ignore how much I let all that get to me. I went to the dentist recently. My gums are swollen and I am diligent with oral care. The only thing I can chalk it up to is stress. Some may think the mind-body connection that would account for my swollen gums is poppy cock. I don't. Soul=Mind+Body I was once decent at math. This equation is just as scientific as 2+2=4. So there.
There's a TED talk by Kelly McGonigal called, "Making Stress Your Friend." My oldest sister recommended it to me months ago. I think Ms. McGonigal nailed it. She basically says that if we can view stress differently, it can bring us joy. I think everyone should watch it.
Let's face it, actually living a stress-free life is 100% impossible. It's a natural consequence of being human. If you disagree with me, you're either young and haven't had any big hard knocks yet, or you're dilusional. I'm not suggesting that stress has to cause coniptions, but hard things happening is inevitable. Suck it up, cupcake.
I wish I had the secret on how to embrace Life's challenges and be okay with how they're meant to change us. I wish I responded better when crap hits the fan. I've discovered fears in the past 2 years I didn't know could exist. I've questioned my purpose. I've questioned my faith. I've re-evaluated again and again what I want out of life. I haven't come to many conclusions... yet. At least my faith is stronger than ever and I will do all I can to facilitate its continued growth. It is my anchor. As for the other things, I'm still working on them.
There is one major thing I think our American Culture has really gotten wrong- the value we put on things. How does this relate to stress? Think about it: keeping up with the Jones', feeling a "need" to look a certain way, make a certain amount of money, drive a specific kind of car, own certain things, live in a certain kind of house, etc. Sounds like a moving target to me. Our houses are full of purely pointless stuff. We keep buying and trying to make more money to buy even more. And are we happier for it? Re-read the first paragraph. I really don't think, as a whole, we are.
We've traveled so far along this path that people go in to debt for clothes, toys, experiences, and even emergencies (because they didn't save their money and spent it on stuff instead). As a society we place a large amount of value on things that really have no value at all. Do your income and sociel status matter more than time with loved ones, relationships, or quality experiences that change you? Not on your life. And yet we think, "Oh, I'll eventually get there, after I buy this, pay that off, get a better job, buy a different house, etc" We think we're going to "arrive." We get caught in the trap of believing our stress level and happiness are circumstantial and that more outside forces control it all than really do.
Who is the captain of your soul? Is it money? Is it status? Is it a certain lifestyle? I'm tired of politicians telling me what the American Dream is. I took AP American History in high school. I know, really not a big deal, but I learned a lot because I studied my butt off (I did score a 4 on the test- 5 is the highest). No joke. Ask my mom. The American Dream is that each one of us can decide what we want for ourselves and if we work hard enough, we can achieve it. If you want 3 kids all with blue hair, you can have it (they may choose a different color as they get older- agency does that). If you want to live in a cabin in the mountains and drink herbal tea and read novels every day, you can have it. If you want to work Wall Street and make millions, you can do it. If you want to raise dozens of chickens, give them names, and show countless pictures of them to a complete stranger on an airplane, go for it (actually happened to me, by the way- I'm not the one with the chickens). We live in the Land Of Opportunity, for crying out loud! And yet so many of us heed the propaganda (probably sub-consciously) that tells what we want as opposed to us deciding that for ourselves.
And this is a major reason why I believe, as an American People, our stress levels are so unmanagable. I'm not a social scientist. I haven't traveled a ton (I have traveled some). I just know everywhere I go, I see that happiness and how stress is handled (they are closely connected) have absolutely nothing to do with materialistic pursuits (basic needs aside- I could write a whole other post on what we actually need). That's right, NOTHING!
So, since this post is now oober long, I hope we all tell Pop Culture to "shove it." I hope we ignore the sales to "save big" on stuff we don't even need. I hope we all take our lives into our own hands (even if we think we've already done that). I hope we listen to the voice within, not all the voices without all clamoring for our attention. I hope we remember what really matters and live for it- not dream about it. It takes a lot of effort and practice, continually. But, it pays dividends. Big ones. And I hope and pray I'm on that path.
Do I have stress? Well, I'm a mom of 3, I work part time (thankfully not full time), my husband is a law enforcement officer (parole agent), I've been suffering from low back and hip pain for months now agonizing through physical therapy and hoping to run free and clear, my mom's health is slowly failing, and my oldest child is smack dab in the middle of 3+ years of leukemia treatment. So, the answer is a resounding, "YES!" Sometimes I think I ignore how much I let all that get to me. I went to the dentist recently. My gums are swollen and I am diligent with oral care. The only thing I can chalk it up to is stress. Some may think the mind-body connection that would account for my swollen gums is poppy cock. I don't. Soul=Mind+Body I was once decent at math. This equation is just as scientific as 2+2=4. So there.
There's a TED talk by Kelly McGonigal called, "Making Stress Your Friend." My oldest sister recommended it to me months ago. I think Ms. McGonigal nailed it. She basically says that if we can view stress differently, it can bring us joy. I think everyone should watch it.
Let's face it, actually living a stress-free life is 100% impossible. It's a natural consequence of being human. If you disagree with me, you're either young and haven't had any big hard knocks yet, or you're dilusional. I'm not suggesting that stress has to cause coniptions, but hard things happening is inevitable. Suck it up, cupcake.
I wish I had the secret on how to embrace Life's challenges and be okay with how they're meant to change us. I wish I responded better when crap hits the fan. I've discovered fears in the past 2 years I didn't know could exist. I've questioned my purpose. I've questioned my faith. I've re-evaluated again and again what I want out of life. I haven't come to many conclusions... yet. At least my faith is stronger than ever and I will do all I can to facilitate its continued growth. It is my anchor. As for the other things, I'm still working on them.
There is one major thing I think our American Culture has really gotten wrong- the value we put on things. How does this relate to stress? Think about it: keeping up with the Jones', feeling a "need" to look a certain way, make a certain amount of money, drive a specific kind of car, own certain things, live in a certain kind of house, etc. Sounds like a moving target to me. Our houses are full of purely pointless stuff. We keep buying and trying to make more money to buy even more. And are we happier for it? Re-read the first paragraph. I really don't think, as a whole, we are.
We've traveled so far along this path that people go in to debt for clothes, toys, experiences, and even emergencies (because they didn't save their money and spent it on stuff instead). As a society we place a large amount of value on things that really have no value at all. Do your income and sociel status matter more than time with loved ones, relationships, or quality experiences that change you? Not on your life. And yet we think, "Oh, I'll eventually get there, after I buy this, pay that off, get a better job, buy a different house, etc" We think we're going to "arrive." We get caught in the trap of believing our stress level and happiness are circumstantial and that more outside forces control it all than really do.
Who is the captain of your soul? Is it money? Is it status? Is it a certain lifestyle? I'm tired of politicians telling me what the American Dream is. I took AP American History in high school. I know, really not a big deal, but I learned a lot because I studied my butt off (I did score a 4 on the test- 5 is the highest). No joke. Ask my mom. The American Dream is that each one of us can decide what we want for ourselves and if we work hard enough, we can achieve it. If you want 3 kids all with blue hair, you can have it (they may choose a different color as they get older- agency does that). If you want to live in a cabin in the mountains and drink herbal tea and read novels every day, you can have it. If you want to work Wall Street and make millions, you can do it. If you want to raise dozens of chickens, give them names, and show countless pictures of them to a complete stranger on an airplane, go for it (actually happened to me, by the way- I'm not the one with the chickens). We live in the Land Of Opportunity, for crying out loud! And yet so many of us heed the propaganda (probably sub-consciously) that tells what we want as opposed to us deciding that for ourselves.
And this is a major reason why I believe, as an American People, our stress levels are so unmanagable. I'm not a social scientist. I haven't traveled a ton (I have traveled some). I just know everywhere I go, I see that happiness and how stress is handled (they are closely connected) have absolutely nothing to do with materialistic pursuits (basic needs aside- I could write a whole other post on what we actually need). That's right, NOTHING!
So, since this post is now oober long, I hope we all tell Pop Culture to "shove it." I hope we ignore the sales to "save big" on stuff we don't even need. I hope we all take our lives into our own hands (even if we think we've already done that). I hope we listen to the voice within, not all the voices without all clamoring for our attention. I hope we remember what really matters and live for it- not dream about it. It takes a lot of effort and practice, continually. But, it pays dividends. Big ones. And I hope and pray I'm on that path.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Memoirs of An Injured Runner- Part 2, The Mental Anguish
Over the past several months, I've been dealing with my own proverbial onion. I usually like onions- cooked and in stuff. Well, then there's onion rings. Mmm. Then again, pretty much anything battered and fried is scrumptious. Okay. Enough. My metaphorical onion with my injuries is really large and has lots of layers. The "fun" part has been peeling away all those layers to get to the actual problem, the root of it all.
There's a muscle called the iliopsoas. It's the main hip flexor. It attaches to the front of your lower spine and then runs down, underneath all your gut organs, and attaches to the front of your hip bones. Due to poor hip posture and weak inner abdominal muscles (the outer ones are strong), my lower back muscles (the ones on the actual back side) have tightened up. Then my hip joints have gone loosy-goosy to compensate. Add however many number of years, 3 babies, and wham, we get a whole series of lovely problems that all mask the root cause. Oh what fun!
Enough anatomy. When you love running, racing, and seeing how fast you can get, being put on the sidelines with something of this magnitude plays with your psychie. A lot. Going from 10-15 miles being easy peezy to eeking out 2-3 can be extremely demoralizing. It almost feels like a waste to bother getting your running clothes on for such a short distance.
You see other runners and wonder how much farther than you they get to run. Seeing those with hydration packs on really punches you in the gut (let's be abundantly clear- wearing a hydration pack for short runs is pointless, especially races. Aid stations, people!). You want that freedom too, but running that far would cause pain so great as to put you out of commission for normal day-to-day stuff. You try not to let the Emotional Eating Monster haunt you like it used to years ago. Besides, who wants to buy larger sizes cuz they're depressed and can't run as far as they want? Yeah, pathetic. So, you do your best to keep your pant size the same. Vanity is real, my friends. You find a way force yourself to take things one at a time, make each run count, do your physical therapy exercises, and count your blessings (through your teeth at times).
For me, thankfully my life is busy. Sometimes it feels like a curse, but taking care of my 3 little boys and husband has helped keep my mind off the fact that my body is not where I want it to be. Another grace from God with it all is the timing. That may seem crazy to say, but I mean it.
A year and a half ago my oldest son was diagnosed with leukemia, when my youngest was 7 weeks old. Yeah, Life basically pinned us against the wall and turned everything topsy-turvy. Thankfully the kind of leukemia my son suffers from has a 90%+ cure rate. It does involve more than 3 years of treatment, but it's not going to take his life.
As our lives changed, I clung to running like never before. I couldn't control hardly anything else, so I trained my butt off. It felt good. Really good. The first 8-9 months of chemotherapy were a doozy. After that, things calmed down a lot. Phew! If all this injury crap had reared its ugly head in the middle of all the chaotic chemo, it would've crushed me. No joke. Given that my injury was slowly building up over time, I'm extremely grateful it waited just a tad longer to explode.
Over the past months as I've slowly added miles (currently at 5). Focusing on one thing at a time has been my mantra. I'm usually the type that likes to plan 5 years in advance, or maybe 20. So taking things one at a time has been like stuffing a turkey through its beak. It's been a struggle to say the least. But like I said, I'm grateful my little family has kept me occupied. At times I've wondering if I'll want to take up so much time running again in the future- if I'll actually want to run marathons and half marathons again. Being a mom is where it's at!
A few weeks ago I took my kids to a park I run by a lot when running 8+ miles. It's not a park I'd taken them to before. As I turned on to the street, I realized how much I miss long distances!!! Words cannot describe how my heart ached to run 8 miles or more, to feel the wind against my face, to feel the exhilaration of the runner's high. Guess that answered that! I will be running marathons again. Some day. Yes, being a mom is still the ultimate. But I can do both- in time! Ha!
These days my goal is my favorite half marathon in June. It's currently December. How strange. I used to be able to do a half marathon on a whim, and get a decent time. Not these days. I may not even be up for a full marathon until 2018. It all depends on how things come together. A large part of my anguish is I'm not getting any younger (I know, like any of us are right?). 40 is fast approaching and I have PRs left to chase. I kinda feel like after 40 it's too hard. That whole aging thing. Getting old BLOWS! So there's that.
Sometimes I just want to know what to think of it all. I strongly believe there's something to be learned here. I'm searching to know what it is. Not only do I want to be a better runner when all this is said and done, I want to be better in my heart. I want to be a better Me.
There's a muscle called the iliopsoas. It's the main hip flexor. It attaches to the front of your lower spine and then runs down, underneath all your gut organs, and attaches to the front of your hip bones. Due to poor hip posture and weak inner abdominal muscles (the outer ones are strong), my lower back muscles (the ones on the actual back side) have tightened up. Then my hip joints have gone loosy-goosy to compensate. Add however many number of years, 3 babies, and wham, we get a whole series of lovely problems that all mask the root cause. Oh what fun!
Enough anatomy. When you love running, racing, and seeing how fast you can get, being put on the sidelines with something of this magnitude plays with your psychie. A lot. Going from 10-15 miles being easy peezy to eeking out 2-3 can be extremely demoralizing. It almost feels like a waste to bother getting your running clothes on for such a short distance.
You see other runners and wonder how much farther than you they get to run. Seeing those with hydration packs on really punches you in the gut (let's be abundantly clear- wearing a hydration pack for short runs is pointless, especially races. Aid stations, people!). You want that freedom too, but running that far would cause pain so great as to put you out of commission for normal day-to-day stuff. You try not to let the Emotional Eating Monster haunt you like it used to years ago. Besides, who wants to buy larger sizes cuz they're depressed and can't run as far as they want? Yeah, pathetic. So, you do your best to keep your pant size the same. Vanity is real, my friends. You find a way force yourself to take things one at a time, make each run count, do your physical therapy exercises, and count your blessings (through your teeth at times).
For me, thankfully my life is busy. Sometimes it feels like a curse, but taking care of my 3 little boys and husband has helped keep my mind off the fact that my body is not where I want it to be. Another grace from God with it all is the timing. That may seem crazy to say, but I mean it.
A year and a half ago my oldest son was diagnosed with leukemia, when my youngest was 7 weeks old. Yeah, Life basically pinned us against the wall and turned everything topsy-turvy. Thankfully the kind of leukemia my son suffers from has a 90%+ cure rate. It does involve more than 3 years of treatment, but it's not going to take his life.
As our lives changed, I clung to running like never before. I couldn't control hardly anything else, so I trained my butt off. It felt good. Really good. The first 8-9 months of chemotherapy were a doozy. After that, things calmed down a lot. Phew! If all this injury crap had reared its ugly head in the middle of all the chaotic chemo, it would've crushed me. No joke. Given that my injury was slowly building up over time, I'm extremely grateful it waited just a tad longer to explode.
Over the past months as I've slowly added miles (currently at 5). Focusing on one thing at a time has been my mantra. I'm usually the type that likes to plan 5 years in advance, or maybe 20. So taking things one at a time has been like stuffing a turkey through its beak. It's been a struggle to say the least. But like I said, I'm grateful my little family has kept me occupied. At times I've wondering if I'll want to take up so much time running again in the future- if I'll actually want to run marathons and half marathons again. Being a mom is where it's at!
A few weeks ago I took my kids to a park I run by a lot when running 8+ miles. It's not a park I'd taken them to before. As I turned on to the street, I realized how much I miss long distances!!! Words cannot describe how my heart ached to run 8 miles or more, to feel the wind against my face, to feel the exhilaration of the runner's high. Guess that answered that! I will be running marathons again. Some day. Yes, being a mom is still the ultimate. But I can do both- in time! Ha!
These days my goal is my favorite half marathon in June. It's currently December. How strange. I used to be able to do a half marathon on a whim, and get a decent time. Not these days. I may not even be up for a full marathon until 2018. It all depends on how things come together. A large part of my anguish is I'm not getting any younger (I know, like any of us are right?). 40 is fast approaching and I have PRs left to chase. I kinda feel like after 40 it's too hard. That whole aging thing. Getting old BLOWS! So there's that.
Sometimes I just want to know what to think of it all. I strongly believe there's something to be learned here. I'm searching to know what it is. Not only do I want to be a better runner when all this is said and done, I want to be better in my heart. I want to be a better Me.
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