The Two-Edged Sword

I went and got a haircut yesterday.  No, I did not do anythings dramatic to my hair.  But like you really care about that.  My dear friend, who I drive 30 minutes one-way to have cut my hair, asked how things were going.  I usually only have her do my hair 2 or 3 times a year so we always have a lot to catch up on.  I told her about my dumb SI joint that's causing me pain, about Tyler's new job as a parole agent and how he's currently in the police academy for it.  I told her some of the things I'm learning these days.  Blah, blah, blah.  Typical girl talk stuff.  She asked me how I'm managing.  I really didn't have any answer for her.  Um, do any of us ever feel like we're actually successfully dealing with our lives?  Sure, I have moments when I think, "Wow!  I've really got it together."  That happened yesterday morning.  It was all shattered by about 8:15 am.  Yep, that's how that usually goes.  Maybe I'm the only one, but I'm kinda thinking that if anyone thinks they actually have it all together, they be a lying to themselves, or need to wait a little while.  It's kinda like Utah weather. If you don't like it, wait 10 minutes.

My point: crap happens to us all.  Sure, we could throw our hands in the air and give up.  I personally have too much fire in my soul for that.  Giving up isn't really in my DNA.  My maiden name is Waddell.  I come from a line of overly stubborn farmers who helped settle the Teton Valley.  My mother's maiden name is Stevens.  Again, a geneology of fighters.  Both sides of my family have pioneer stock.  Um these people did not back down. Then again, you look back 150+ years and most everyone was that way.  What other choice did they have?  What happened to our generation?  I dunno, but that's a conversation for another day.

The way I see it, the unpleasantries that happen to us can be opportunities.  Yeah, I know, you've heard that before and if you're like me, you usually want to crawl into a hole and not exist for a while when seriously hard things hit the fan hoping they'll disappear.  It wasn't too long ago that I looked at my life and seriously didn't believe I had what it took to live it and come out on top.  I wanted to run away and literally not exist anymore.  I knew my life was OK and that it was full of so many wonderful things, despite Derek's leukemia, but I didn't like myself in it.  I felt like I just kept botching it up, like I couldn't get it together, like everything was going to break because I kept failing.

First of all, I wasn't failing, but my perfectionism didn't let me see it that way.  Second, the whole saying of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger began to mean a whole lot more.  I kept surviving day after day, month after month.  Crazy.  Third, that second thing is true because of Jesus Christ.  He paid the ultimate price and part of his infinite sacrifice includes something called Grace.  It's divine assistance given when we, as humans, don't have the capacity to do what our lives require.  In the period of my life I just mentioned, when I thought my life would fall apart at the seams, I sure didn't have what it took, of myself, to do all that was required.  But everything worked out and moved on because of Grace.  We get to try again tomorrow because of Grace.  Second and thirty-second chances are because of Grace.

Ok, back to Life's crap being an opportunity... We all have a choice to let God in or not.  He will never force us.  He gave us agency.  Why would He mess with it?  He doesn't.  If we choose to let God in, especially during times of upheaval, we feel His love, His comfort, His help.  His love is perfect and can heal all.  I've felt it time and time again.  I felt it when my father passed away all-of-a-sudden, when my own emotions were so raw and my whole system was in shock.  I felt it the day before we found out Derek has leukemia because God knew I would need an extra dose due to what was about to go down.  I feel it when I look at my darling children (I'm not talking about the moments when I want to sell them to the gypsies).  I feel it when I read His word, go to church, etc.

Another time I feel that love is when I serve others.  Is it hard to reach out when your own life feels so outta control?  Um, A LOT- at least for me.  But our trials give us the maximum opportunity to develop that perfect Christlike love.  Yes, we feel it as we struggle coming directly from Him, but there's another avenue: outward.

Every time I hear of someone's father dying there's a part of me that aches and mourns and weeps for them.  I know how much I still miss my own father, how I long to talk to him, hug him, watch him play with my children.  I cannot describe how that all hurts, still, after 11 years.  Is he where he needs to be?  Yes.  Will I see him again?  I'm 100% sure.  I still miss him though.  That's why I feel the way I do when I know of someone else who has recently lost their father.  I "get it."  Is my life identical to theirs?  No, duh.  But I have a new level of compassion.  I wouldn't have that if I hadn't been through my own father passing.

That's where the other avenue of Christ's love comes in.  In the Garden of Gethsemane He suffered for our sins, and everything else.  He literally felt all that we have ever felt or will feel.  He really does "get it" as if he really were you and me. So, when we have been through something similar to that of someone else, we can feel a new love and compassion for that person.  We know better how to comfort them.  We have a better idea of what to say, what to do, etc.  We are given challenges in life to provide such opportunities, to develop charity: the pure love of Christ.

I don't know about anyone else, but in my efforts to turn the lemons of my life into refreshing lemonade, I make lots and lots of messes.  I yell at my kids, I over-react to things, I get a certain degree of road rage, my husband drives me crazy, I get extremely frustrated with myself.  Guess what?  I'm finding that most of us do.  And it's okay.  It's just like learning music or a sport, or anything else: keep practicing.  When you see someone at their worst, keep in mind they're in practice mode too.  When you're the one in the vulnerable state having a messy day and others see it, don't be afraid.  Own it.  I think we could do a lot less pretending we've got it together (or thinking everyone else does), and a lot more opening up to others- listening to someone in need, smiling and encouraging the mother in the supermarket whose child is throwing a tantrum, not judging the woman who is picking up her kid from school in her PJs, and not worrying about what others might think. It's not worth it!  Life is too short for such nonsense, and yet, here we find ourselves time and time again stuck in such ruts.  At least I do.  Someone please tell me I'm not the only one with lemon juice, sugar, water, and lemon zest all over my kitchen. And if I am, oh well.  The cat is out of the bag now.  Oh wait, I don't like cats.  Too late.

One more thing: my SI joint (where your tailbone connects to your hip bone- sing the song if you'd like).  It moves too much because my most inner abdominal muscle is significantly weaker than the 3 more superficial ab muscles.  Yeah I know you really wanted to know that, not really.  It's got me thinking: what's the soft under belly that needs strengthening metaphorically?  My conclusion: gratitude.  Gratitude is a catalyst that leads to all other virtues.  It leads to faith, obedience to God, hope, love, true conversion, etc.  Anywho, that's some cud I'm still chewing on a lot.

Tally ho!