A New Hope (no light saber involved)

When I was engaged to be married I got tired of people always asking me about my upcoming nuptials.  With every pregnancy, I hated the question, "How do you feel?"  Along with any other question pertaining to my growing belly, discomfort, etc.  The reason is well, there's lots of other things going on in my life.  Why don't you ask me about those?  It's the same with Derek's leukemia.  It's the proverbial elephant in the room.  I do have 2 other children.  I have a husband, a job, hobbies, etc.  I'm not here to tell others what to do.  It's futile anyways because they're going to do what they want regardless.  I'm just ornery.  So there's that.  I'm trying to get over it. Deep down I want to honor others' interest in my crazy life.  After all, I'm blessed with friends and family that comprise some of the most amazing people on the planet.  They are therefore sincere in their inquiries.  Sigh.  Perhaps one day I'll learn to calm the fiery-ness inside me.  Til then...

So, on to that elephant.  The current phase of treatment he's in is called Delayed Intensification.  The name says it all.  The good news is after this phase we go to what's called Maintenance- once a month visits til the 3 years are up.  Hang on!!  Moving along.  A few new chemo drugs entered the picture, one of which relieved Derek of haircuts for a while.  I love that kid's perspective!  If you recall he had an anaphylactic reaction to a chemo med back in October.  In stead of getting it again this go-around, the substitute drug is 6 doses in stead of 1.  That means 2 weeks of M W F chemotherapy visits.  We got to do that at the beginning of this phase and will go out with a bang, doing it at the end. That bang begins Wednesday of this week.  I know we all have medical insurance complaints.  I do too.  Don't get me started.  However, this substitute drug is just shy of $10K a shot, so here's a case where insurance is a godsend.

Speaking of insurance.  We won the home health battle!  After finally getting the phone numbers of the right people (after yelling at a poor young woman who couldn't help me) and being directed to write a letter (which contained a fair amount of hell, fire, and damnation- all within the realm of professionalism, of course), Tyler got a call from the medical director of our insurance company.  He would be on the board making the decision whether or not to grant Derek more home health visits.  He informed us he was going to vote for our cause, but that his voice wasn't the only one on the board.  About 10 days later he called again saying the decision had been made in our favor.  Woot woot!  Prayer and fasting proved themselves yet again.  Not sure  how much our letter swayed them, but I'd like to believe it made a difference.  Guess I'll never know.

Onto those other things..... A few weeks ago my nephew got married and Tyler's cousin lost her husband in a tragic accident.  We attended a funeral one day and a wedding the next.  Whoa!  You guys, Jesus is REAL!  God has a perfect plan!  Yes, life seriously sucks sometimes. Believe me, I have my fair share of crap.  But He's there, ever-ready to assist.  Taking our troubles away rarely fulfills His purposes.  In all reality, it doesn't do us any good either.  One of my favorite things about spring is watching my tulip bulbs push their way up through the soil.  They sometimes even put holes in dead leaves left from fall.  They are strong!  It's because of the struggle they overcome.  Yes, overcome.  We can too, through Christ. I need the reminder.  A lot.

When you're dealing with your 6 year old battling leukemia, a new alternator in your car, a bathroom flood, a mother and grandmas with fragile health, a house that always need something fixed, a 4 year old in the middle of everything, a teething baby, a husband's job that leaves him emotionally taxed (he works at a halfway house- some people's kids, seriously), there's a natural desire to want control over something.  So, I'm running another marathon in May.  Yep, I'm nuts.  But like that's a newsflash.  I may look back and shake my head at myself.  I probably will.  Oh well.  It's paid for and I ain't payin for something and not gettin nothin out of it.  So there.

Well, as chaotic as my life is, my little children are my joy.  How can I be sad and depressed when I have the cutest baby in the world, a 4 year old who says the funniest things all the time, and a 6 year old who is the most robust person I know?  I still am depressed sometimes, but thanks to my 3 little boys it never lasts very long.  God knew being a mom would bring me more joy and happiness than I could've imagined.

Christmas At Home

2016.  Yep folks, it's here.  Another presidential election year with pretty shabby options for candidates (well, okay, Hillary is less than shabby, and Donald Trump, well, is there really one word to describe his awfulness?  Methinks not).  Enough.  I still want to move to the south of Brazil.  My gray hairs seem to keep multiplying.  This year I'll be closer to 40 than 30.  Not cool.  I laugh at all the resolution-makers, yet again (who wants to get up early to exercise and eat rabbit food when it's 15 degrees and dark outside?!- then there's the inversion we get in the winter here in Salt Lake).  People, wait until March, or at least the end of February!  Goals, resolutions, and the like are all noble and wonderful.  I have my fair share too, but let's maximize the opportunity for success here. Okay, enough random-ness.  Sorry for that.  Well, not really.

Derek had a week delay in treatment in December so that meant he was NOT in the hospital for Christmas!!!  For about a milli-second, or less, we were bummed his counts weren't good enough for one of this scheduled weekends of chemo because that meant Christmas at home for us all.  God really does watch out for us and attends to the details.  

So, Christmas morning, we all hung out in our PJs, ate sugarplums (in the form of the best pumpkin cheesecake known to man), ate finnanhaddie for breakfast (smoked haddock), played with toys, shoveled the driveway (thanks Dad Canova for bringing your snow-blower!), and didn't go anywhere.  It was dreamy!  We didn't put away our few new things until the next week sometime.  We acted like we were on vacation for days and it felt OH so good!

For the 1st time since Derek's diagnosis we went swimming as a family.  I had been teaching him to swim frequently up until Baby Zac arrived and we'd been having a lot of fun.  This time, he was pretty nervous about it.  He was healthy enough to go, but it was mandatory that he bathe directly afterwards.  So much had happened in his little life, it's understandable. But, as soon as we entered the pool, he let go and had the time of his life.  It was purely joyful.  He practiced his strokes, went down the slide multiple times, and acted like no major life-events had occurred since the last time he'd been there.

Then Derek's 4th and final weekend in the hospital for treatment was over New Year's.  Who really cares about this holiday?  Bueller?  Bueller? Everything went well.  Given the playroom was close on New Year's Day, we went a bit stir-crazy.  But we finished reading "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe," played Toy Story Yahtzee way too many times, I tried to get Derek to eat (hospital food lacks serious flavor), and we felt quite liberated when discharged.  We now have a 3 week break before the next phase of chemo begins.  It's like Christmas all over again!!!

A quick side note: the day I bought aforementioned smoked haddock, Benjamin insisted on carrying it through the store- frozen, wrapped in meat-department paper.  Ok, no problem.  As we were waiting to check out, he turned to me and asked, "Mom, when we get home can I feed the fish?"  Um...  I responded, "Well," pause, "It's dead."  "Mommy, why is it dead?" he inquired.   I told him it was so we could eat it.  He then asked why they'd killed the fish.  I informed him some people had gone fishing, and then smoked it so we could eat it.  His final conclusion was, "Fish are yucky!"  He eats salmon all the time, but whatever kid.  I just found it so innocently cute and funny that somewhere in his almost-4 year old brain, he thought we'd gone to the supermarket and were going home with a pet!  Then, he and Derek were insistent that the cashier scan said fish first.  Quite the little love affair.  

Life is good.  Really good.  I have the cutest little boys.  Period.  Every day I feel Tyler is my soul-mate more than before.  

Here are some words from a character (Aunt Rose) in a story told by President Uchdorf at the last General Womens Meeting that pretty much say exactly how I feel about all the stuff going on:

“There is enough that doesn’t go right in life, so anyone can work themselves into a puddle of pessimism and a mess of melancholy. But I know people who, even when things don’t work out, focus on the wonders and miracles of life. These folks are the happiest people I know.”

“But,” Eva said, “you can’t just flip a switch and go from sad to happy.”

“No, perhaps not,” Aunt Rose smiled gently, “but God didn’t design us to be sad. He created us to have joy!³ So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life. And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly, how many good things do? Seems to me that the best things, like homemade bread or orange marmalade, take patience and work.”

Bah Humbug

I must admit, Winter is far from my favorite season.  Sure, I like playing in the snow, sledding, snowshoeing, etc. as much as the next outdoor enthusiast, but after getting 1st degree frost bite on my toes years ago hiking in sandals in a little snow (not my smartest move by far), and then hypothermia during a marathon in the rain 2 years ago, I get cold easier than I used to.  And then there's the whole business of more hours of darkness.  Me no-likey.  Add the fact that all the crazy's come out on the roads in their cars around the holidays and you have a recipe for Mindy Mental Disaster.  This year we're adding something new to the mix, Derek's treatment schedule.

The 8 week treatment phase we're currently in requires 3-day hospital stays every-other week (so that's 4 rounds).  For us, 2 of those 4 fall on Thanksgiving and Christmas weekends.  I kinda feel like Cuzco in "The Emperor's New Groove" when he and Pacha are headed towards a massive waterfall with sharp rocks, and all that jazz, at the bottom and he says, "Bring it on."  I'm already in the strong current, might as well scream and enjoy the ride to the bottom of the waterfall.  Besides, I like stomach-churning rides as it is.

The 1st of these stays was the middle of November.  Derek did well.  I gotta say, with all that kid is going through, he's hardly been nauseous, has energy, goes to school most of the time, loves riding his scooter, still fights with his little brother, Benjamin, and can still pack it away at dinner (have I mentioned I'm going to have a mortgage-payment-like food bill in 10 years?).  Those few days in the hospital a week and half ago, he was nauseated, but with the help of Zofran around the clock, he was up for math on the computer, forced homework, card games, crafts, movies, me reading him a book about Buffalo Bill, and visits.  He's related to my father. That man was practically never sick and had the strongest constitution I've ever seen.  Thank goodness for genetics in this case (my varicose veins are a subject for another day).

The few times I've spent the night with Derek in the hospital (we like to take turns- Tyler, Grandpa Canova, Grandma Waddell, etc. so no one gets too burned out), I sleep like a rock!  Strange? Yes.  Do I care?  Nope!  I get sleep!  I figure, the nurses know what they're doing, the graveyard nurses are fabulous at being quieter than a mouse, and well, I'm away from home so I can't worry about dishes, laundry, the baby, etc.  I'll take it where I can get it.

This past Tuesday at Derek's school they had a little Turkey Trot.  They had each gender of each grade run at a time.  K-3rd grades were all outside at once.  They started with 3rd grade girls, then did 3rd grade boys, then 2nd grade girls, etc. (Derek is in 1st grade, FYI).  I found him before he ran (yes, the kid wanted to participate) and he was nervous!  So cute!  I gave him my distant-runner's strategy to not start out too fast, run the whole time, and push it at the end.  At the beginning, he was near the back.  By the end, he was smack dab in the middle.  What a kid!  Not only am I a proud mama because he used my strategy and passed people, but my little boy, with cancer, ran 1/4 mile without stopping and had a smile on his face the entire time!  My children amaze me!

As much as we don't like the fact that we'll spend Christmas in the hospital with Derek, not to mention most of Thanksgiving weekend, I do my best to remind myself it'll be that much more memorable, and other people have it worse.  Sometimes that doesn't make me feel better and I still want to crawl in a whole and just feel really sorry for myself and our family.  Cancer seriously sucks!  Then I see little chubby Baby Zac's smile and play with him.  I hear Derek and Benjamin singing "Bob the Builder!  Can we fix it?  Bob, the Builder!  Yes we can!", or a song from a Thomas the Tank Engine movie.  I watch Zac flail like a crazy baby in the tub cuz he loves it so much.  I snuggle with Benjamin.  I read all 3 boys stories, in my bed, first thing in the morning. I listen to Derek and Benjamin as they play with cars or trains and hear all the wild and crazy things they imagine.  I hug Tyler,  I pray.  I read God's word.  And then I remember that I really do have it all.  I have God.  I have my family.  And that's why that really long waterfall doesn't kill me.  It makes me stronger and gives me experience, whether I wanted it in the first place or not.

Here we gooooooooooooooooo!