Nimimpu

Summer 2002 I worked for a wilderness therapy program called Anasazi.  To this day it's my favorite job I've ever had.  Period.  It was pivotal for me on so many levels.  It liberated me to finally start becoming my true self.  In their literature, there's a book called "The 7 Paths of the Anasazi Way."  One of those 7 paths is that of Nimimpu, or "We."  The general idea is that there is no "I."  We are all connected.  Our decisions and lives impact those around us, whether we like it or not.  It's inevitable.  Look around you, do the choices of the incarcerated affect you?  Yes.  What about those driving down the road- even if you're sitting at your house reading this post?  Yes.  Think about your family, friends, neighbors (like the guy behind me who does absolutely nothing with his yard, lets the weeds get outta control, and therefore I get a plethora of weeds.  I've seen him 2x in 6+ years.  His decisions affect me. Grr).  Okaaay.... Derek has leukemia.  However, this is a whole family affair, to say the least.  Someone has to take him to treatment.  Benjamin and Zachary therefore get babysat more.  Dad and Mom are stressed as they try to figure out logistics, make sure Derek gets his medications, deal with fact that their 6 year old has a terminal illness, etc.  Benjamin has to process the extra attention his older brother gets and sometimes tells me he's too sick to go anywhere even though he's totally fine.  He wants that kind of attention too.  Some of the habits I was able to teach Derek and Ben as a baby I haven't had time for with Zachary- not to mention given them a thought.  Until now.  I now have the pleasure of going backwards a bit.  Derek may be the one with cancer, but we all feel it. I haven't even mentioned extended family, friend, and neighbors.  I could write a novel about that alone.  Let's just say they've been angels.  Literally.

Remember those times when your adrenaline surged- like when you had to avoid a car accident (or perhaps an actual collision occurred)?  Then remember how shaky you were directly afterwards when you realized what just happened?  Oh, the let-down.   Now take that experience and multiply it by, say, 11 months.  We're currently in that shaky aftershock at our house.  When we hit Maintenance with Derek's treatments (chemo visits only ever 4 weeks now) we were stoked!  And for good reason.  Little did we understand that we hadn't fully de-escalated from the whole Leukemia and new baby sha-bang yet.  Let's just say I kinda feel like I've mentally been hit by a truck.  Boom!  The magnitude of all that's happened finally made me crumble.  I thought I'd been knocked down before in the past months, but not like this.  I discovered a new level of weary.

I'm not looking for sympathy.  Quite the contrary.  I HATE getting sympathy, in all honesty. Remember, I'm ornery like that.  I'm just putting that out there so if I'm not quite myself, someone might recall this post and think, "Oh, Mindy's in a funk right now.  She'll get over it."  And get over I will.  When and how?  That's a great question and I wish I had the answer.

Anyone that knows me very well knows I'm an over-achiever.  Before you start thinking that such a thing is wonderful.  It's not.  It's like some weird disease that can make you look amazing to others, but you're eating yourself alive inside.  Slowing down is not something I naturally know how to do.  I too-often measure my success and value on how much I get done.  It's obnoxious and deep down I know it's counterfeit for my true worth and success.  It just might take a few millenia before I overcome this one.  There's that being-human thing again. Sigh.

Why did I just reveal the thing I struggle with the most?  It's what made me realize how long I've been stressed because my kid has cancer.  In the past few weeks I've become so wound up I can't sleep very well because I'm thinking of all the things that "need" to get done.  Everything stresses me out.  Even running (if that's not a serious sign, I don't know what is).   And then I don't take time to smell the roses (in the form of enjoying my family and friends) because I have too much to do.  Really?  Are cleaning my house, paying bills, making dinner, doing laundry, etc. all really that important?  Hmm, probably not.  Should I pay my bills on time?  It's generally recommended.

I began wishing Time would stop.  I stopped wanting to continue putting one foot in front of the other.  I wished I had the strength to do absolutely nothing.  I would've even settle for being able to sit on the couch with a good book and let the dishes pile up the in the sink, the toys engulf the floor, and make grilled cheese for dinner (Mmm, grilled cheese).  I had reached a new limit.

It's like I've been handed the pieces to a 1000 piece puzzle with no picture of what it's supposed to look like.  How do you pick your life back up after so much has re-defined it?  We are all changed.  I'm OK with that.  I've learned more than I can ever put into words over the past year.  The challenge is figuring out the applications (someone please tell me there's an app for this sort of thing).

I've witnessed enough of God's goodness and grace to know that this too shall pass.  I have been strengthened, lifted, and carried before.  If anyone is going to be abandoning anyone else, it sure ain't gonna be God abandoning me.  I've experienced enough to know at least that.  Do I always understand what He's doing with my life?  Nope, not even close! But, as the saying goes, hindsight really is always 20/20.  Sometimes we just have to get pretty far away before that picture clears up.  Like right now, the break-down I'm experiencing makes absolutely no sense to me.  I'm fine.  Life is good.  I shouldn't be melting down like this.  But I am melting down.  Yes, I'm FINE (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional).  It's kind of like going through the mourning process.  You can't heal unless you let every step happen.  I'm not going to be able to effectively move forward if I don't let this take its course.  These days I just pray for rest.  To me that's more than just sleep.  It's coming in pieces.  Peace, contentment, and healing will creep up on me.  It's always like that.  Good things come to those who wait.  Waiting is not my forte, but I will wait for this.