Time. It's only for us mortals, something God created just for our lives here on earth. I have a dysfunctional relationship with Time. I want more hours in the day to get more done, like many people I know (but then there's always the debate of whether or not that would actually happen). I give myself deadlines for things that really don't have deadlines and then beat myself up for not meeting my own pointless requirements. I want Time to stop rather often when it comes to my children growing up. This is the most unfair part of parenthood- Time is robbing me of my babies! Why do they have to grow up so fast?!! Not fair. Then there are the moments that can't get here fast enough- my recovery from injury, date night with Tyler, the day when I can go for a run and not have to worry someone is home with our children, the day when my children can get breakfast without my assistance. I just can't win. Deep breaths.
Summer is the absolute best season. Period. Well, except where I grew up- the Phoenix Valley. It's Hades' realm, no joke. I really don't understand why there are so many people that live there! Ok, rant over. Summer in the Salt Lake Valley is much, much better. Yes, it gets hot, but not 105+ hot. It cools of at night. The mountains are super close, there are lakes to boat in, swimming pools to enjoy, a fantastic growing season for gardening, and much more. Well, as Time would have it, the most wonderful time of the year ends shortly. Boo, hiss. Derek and I haven't really discussed the upcoming school year because I'm in denial. Good thing he loves school anyways.
Last summer was the summer from Hell. Our lives exploded- new baby, fender bender, my mom almost died, and Derek got diagnosed with leukemia. BOOM! This summer has been a dream! I enjoyed a sisters retreat in Park City, ran my favorite half marathon with my phenomenal oldest sister, got in a quick visit to the Tetons for my uncle's funeral (I learned A LOT about family- more on that later), had a fun Waddell family reunion in Boise (fabulous half-day river rafting trip among other fun adventures), and got to spend a few days at Flaming Gorge with the Canova's. Really, this all has to end? I'm not convinced. Guess I'm not in control. All in all, that's probably a good thing.
Not too long ago Derek said he sometimes forgets he has cancer. Going in every 4th Thursday sure allows for more normalcy. As luck would have it, one of said treatments was the same day as my uncle's funeral up in Teton Valley. That meant Tyler stayed behind to take him. I drove up to Heaven on Earth with my mom, Benjamin, and Zachary. My youngest sure learned the meaning of road trips this summer! As much as I love the Tetons, our little trip was disastrous. Zac struggled in the car a bit, both Ben and Zac didn't want me to leave them for a second at my aunt's bed and breakfast (keep in mind they're both every independent children), and their behavior during the actual funeral was deplorable. Who's children were these anyways? My cousin's 7 children were behaving perfectly! What gives?! I wanted to check myself in to a crazy house. I seriously asked myself why I even bothered going on that little trip.
At one point while I sat on the floor of the nursery in the church during the funeral, my mother told me my late father was proud of me. Sure, Mom. I was a complete basket case right then. What was there to be proud of- a complete lunatic for a daughter? Right...
Originally my reasoning had everything to do with my uncle taking my dad's place at my wedding. Out of all my dad's brothers, I felt the most connected with him. Sure, I hadn't seen him in years, but so what? Then, the reality of being there with the aforementioned behavior of Ben and Zac, I wondered what I'd been thinking. Sometimes I just get too confident. It felt like it was back-firing big time.
After I got home, I was able to review those 2 days from a different perspective. I remembered the stories my mom told me in the car of some of my ancestors. I watched my dad's siblings interact with each other (there are 9 total, 3 of which have passed away). These are people I've known and loved my whole life. I saw more of them this time than ever before. I saw some of the same behaviors and tendencies in myself. I understood more of where I come from. I understood why family matters, why societies hinge on how they define it. And I grew to love mine (immediate and distant) even more. Thankfully the price to learn that was just a few emotional days- my children weren't sold to the gypsies, and I refrained from checking myself in to that crazy house (probably because I didn't know where the closest one was).
And so, Time keeps moving forward. School starts for Derek soon, Benjamin's 2nd year of preschool is pending, Zachary keeps growing (despite me ordering him to stop), and my gray hairs keep multiplying. Whad'ya gonna do? I'd like to say I'm going to embrace it, but I know myself better than that. I'll probably keep kicking against the pricks, try to do too much in a given period of time, and get frustrated, yet again, that I couldn't be superhuman and get more done. When X genes start manifesting themselves, I already know what one I want- Class V, a Phoenix. All or nothing.
Til then, I guess I'll keep trying to live by faith, love and forgive more, serve my neighbor, and get my injured legs and hips back out on the road running lots of miles, and fast. I guess the fact that Time never does stop isn't so bad. There is a lot to look forward to.
Monday, August 8, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Half Full of Half Empty?
Months ago as Hillary and Trump continued winning primary elections, there was a 325% increase in searches associated with what it takes for an American to move to Canada. I'd love to say I was a part of that 325%, but I wasn't. What I want to know is who are these people that keep voting for 1. a known traitor, and 2. a complete lunatic? Jeez! I'd better stop on the subject before the computer blows up or something.
Then there were those in an outrage at the mother of the boy who fell into the gorilla enclosure in Cincinnati. Really people? That poor mother is torturing herself enough. I assure you. Let's just say the direction in which our society and culture are headed seriously scares me. Who are these people and out of what holes do they keep crawling out?! Apparently said holes are in more abundance than I supposed. Good grief!
Ok. Rant over. I think.
The past little while grumpiness has seemed to overtake the Canova household. Tyler's job royally sucks. I'm sure lots of people say that about their jobs and I don't discredit their suckiness. His supervision can't seem to make up their minds as to what they want the correction officers to do, like Tyler, Every day it's a guessing game. Add to that he deals with people on parole for various things and you get a man who easily gets frustrated. I think if I were in his shoes I would've completely lost it by now and be twitching in an insane asylum somewhere.
But, there's hope now. We know for sure he'll be promoted to parole officer soon. When exactly? It's a mystery. This is the government, remember?
Derek's counts significantly dropped about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Again. Unfortunately that meant the poor kid missed even more school, including all the fun end-of-year stuff. I really hope he doesn't remember that. Therefore he's been a little extra edgy. That rolls over to his brother Benjamin. There have been many days I've wondered if the gypsies were taking new children.
I'm injured. I haven't been this down and out from running since 2008. At least that, I guess. That means I don't get as much happy juice in my system since running is the most effective way to fill that cup.
Then there's Zachary. Thank goodness for that little ray of sunshine. God knew I'd need that with the storm that ensued shortly after he was born.
I don't mean to make it sound like I have a monopoly on hardship. Thank goodness I don't! I've realized more than ever that you can find just about anything to complain about. You can also find just about anything to be grateful for. What do you want? Personally, I like the latter option. By far.
Probably about 6 weeks ago my in-laws showed up with a trampoline to put in our yard. Yes, they really are that ridiculously awesome. The frame was from when Tyler was a child. They'd just purchased a new bed. It has been a magnet for my 2 older boys since. They jump on it almost every day, multiple times. I am proud to say that I taught them the fun-ness (yes, it's a word- cuz I said) of getting the trampoline wet. They were doing that even before the blazing temperatures of summer arrived. There was one day Benjamin went through 4 outfits because he kept getting wet on the tramp, and therefore really cold.
The grass underneath the trampoline is now lush and beautiful. I won't mention what the rest of the grass looks like. Let's just say we got a brochure from the Scotts lawn service today with a little checklist of what's wrong with it. I threw it away. I got bigger fish to fry and other places to spend my money at the moment. Thank you.
We've planted a garden. I always love watching things grow and cultivating them. It's quite the thrill for me. We'll see what kind of harvest we get. I'm rather hopeful.
I want to paint lots of the inside of my house. I know, like that's noteworthy. Just wait. Months ago I picked out a color for the living room and hallway. Just the other day Benjamin and I got started (what a "helper!"). Due to some time constraints I (ahem, I mean we) didn't get very far. Later that day I realized I'd picked the wrong color. There goes $35. Not a bank-breaker, but it's still $35. Grrr. So, I then did the smart thing and bought a few of the $3 sample jars of paint to try out some other colors. Sometimes I guess my sub-conscious likes to do things backwards. Gotta reign that in! My poor husband just shakes his head at me.
Well folks, here's to summer! Here's to popsicles, swim lessons, hikes, splash pads (where were those when I was a kid?!), camping, fishing, sidewalk chalk, trampolines with sprinklers, vacation, and hopefully Mindy's return to running. Long live Summer!
Then there were those in an outrage at the mother of the boy who fell into the gorilla enclosure in Cincinnati. Really people? That poor mother is torturing herself enough. I assure you. Let's just say the direction in which our society and culture are headed seriously scares me. Who are these people and out of what holes do they keep crawling out?! Apparently said holes are in more abundance than I supposed. Good grief!
Ok. Rant over. I think.
The past little while grumpiness has seemed to overtake the Canova household. Tyler's job royally sucks. I'm sure lots of people say that about their jobs and I don't discredit their suckiness. His supervision can't seem to make up their minds as to what they want the correction officers to do, like Tyler, Every day it's a guessing game. Add to that he deals with people on parole for various things and you get a man who easily gets frustrated. I think if I were in his shoes I would've completely lost it by now and be twitching in an insane asylum somewhere.
But, there's hope now. We know for sure he'll be promoted to parole officer soon. When exactly? It's a mystery. This is the government, remember?
Derek's counts significantly dropped about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Again. Unfortunately that meant the poor kid missed even more school, including all the fun end-of-year stuff. I really hope he doesn't remember that. Therefore he's been a little extra edgy. That rolls over to his brother Benjamin. There have been many days I've wondered if the gypsies were taking new children.
I'm injured. I haven't been this down and out from running since 2008. At least that, I guess. That means I don't get as much happy juice in my system since running is the most effective way to fill that cup.
Then there's Zachary. Thank goodness for that little ray of sunshine. God knew I'd need that with the storm that ensued shortly after he was born.
I don't mean to make it sound like I have a monopoly on hardship. Thank goodness I don't! I've realized more than ever that you can find just about anything to complain about. You can also find just about anything to be grateful for. What do you want? Personally, I like the latter option. By far.
Probably about 6 weeks ago my in-laws showed up with a trampoline to put in our yard. Yes, they really are that ridiculously awesome. The frame was from when Tyler was a child. They'd just purchased a new bed. It has been a magnet for my 2 older boys since. They jump on it almost every day, multiple times. I am proud to say that I taught them the fun-ness (yes, it's a word- cuz I said) of getting the trampoline wet. They were doing that even before the blazing temperatures of summer arrived. There was one day Benjamin went through 4 outfits because he kept getting wet on the tramp, and therefore really cold.
The grass underneath the trampoline is now lush and beautiful. I won't mention what the rest of the grass looks like. Let's just say we got a brochure from the Scotts lawn service today with a little checklist of what's wrong with it. I threw it away. I got bigger fish to fry and other places to spend my money at the moment. Thank you.
We've planted a garden. I always love watching things grow and cultivating them. It's quite the thrill for me. We'll see what kind of harvest we get. I'm rather hopeful.
I want to paint lots of the inside of my house. I know, like that's noteworthy. Just wait. Months ago I picked out a color for the living room and hallway. Just the other day Benjamin and I got started (what a "helper!"). Due to some time constraints I (ahem, I mean we) didn't get very far. Later that day I realized I'd picked the wrong color. There goes $35. Not a bank-breaker, but it's still $35. Grrr. So, I then did the smart thing and bought a few of the $3 sample jars of paint to try out some other colors. Sometimes I guess my sub-conscious likes to do things backwards. Gotta reign that in! My poor husband just shakes his head at me.
Well folks, here's to summer! Here's to popsicles, swim lessons, hikes, splash pads (where were those when I was a kid?!), camping, fishing, sidewalk chalk, trampolines with sprinklers, vacation, and hopefully Mindy's return to running. Long live Summer!
Monday, April 25, 2016
Nimimpu
Summer 2002 I worked for a wilderness therapy program called Anasazi. To this day it's my favorite job I've ever had. Period. It was pivotal for me on so many levels. It liberated me to finally start becoming my true self. In their literature, there's a book called "The 7 Paths of the Anasazi Way." One of those 7 paths is that of Nimimpu, or "We." The general idea is that there is no "I." We are all connected. Our decisions and lives impact those around us, whether we like it or not. It's inevitable. Look around you, do the choices of the incarcerated affect you? Yes. What about those driving down the road- even if you're sitting at your house reading this post? Yes. Think about your family, friends, neighbors (like the guy behind me who does absolutely nothing with his yard, lets the weeds get outta control, and therefore I get a plethora of weeds. I've seen him 2x in 6+ years. His decisions affect me. Grr). Okaaay.... Derek has leukemia. However, this is a whole family affair, to say the least. Someone has to take him to treatment. Benjamin and Zachary therefore get babysat more. Dad and Mom are stressed as they try to figure out logistics, make sure Derek gets his medications, deal with fact that their 6 year old has a terminal illness, etc. Benjamin has to process the extra attention his older brother gets and sometimes tells me he's too sick to go anywhere even though he's totally fine. He wants that kind of attention too. Some of the habits I was able to teach Derek and Ben as a baby I haven't had time for with Zachary- not to mention given them a thought. Until now. I now have the pleasure of going backwards a bit. Derek may be the one with cancer, but we all feel it. I haven't even mentioned extended family, friend, and neighbors. I could write a novel about that alone. Let's just say they've been angels. Literally.
Remember those times when your adrenaline surged- like when you had to avoid a car accident (or perhaps an actual collision occurred)? Then remember how shaky you were directly afterwards when you realized what just happened? Oh, the let-down. Now take that experience and multiply it by, say, 11 months. We're currently in that shaky aftershock at our house. When we hit Maintenance with Derek's treatments (chemo visits only ever 4 weeks now) we were stoked! And for good reason. Little did we understand that we hadn't fully de-escalated from the whole Leukemia and new baby sha-bang yet. Let's just say I kinda feel like I've mentally been hit by a truck. Boom! The magnitude of all that's happened finally made me crumble. I thought I'd been knocked down before in the past months, but not like this. I discovered a new level of weary.
I'm not looking for sympathy. Quite the contrary. I HATE getting sympathy, in all honesty. Remember, I'm ornery like that. I'm just putting that out there so if I'm not quite myself, someone might recall this post and think, "Oh, Mindy's in a funk right now. She'll get over it." And get over I will. When and how? That's a great question and I wish I had the answer.
Anyone that knows me very well knows I'm an over-achiever. Before you start thinking that such a thing is wonderful. It's not. It's like some weird disease that can make you look amazing to others, but you're eating yourself alive inside. Slowing down is not something I naturally know how to do. I too-often measure my success and value on how much I get done. It's obnoxious and deep down I know it's counterfeit for my true worth and success. It just might take a few millenia before I overcome this one. There's that being-human thing again. Sigh.
Why did I just reveal the thing I struggle with the most? It's what made me realize how long I've been stressed because my kid has cancer. In the past few weeks I've become so wound up I can't sleep very well because I'm thinking of all the things that "need" to get done. Everything stresses me out. Even running (if that's not a serious sign, I don't know what is). And then I don't take time to smell the roses (in the form of enjoying my family and friends) because I have too much to do. Really? Are cleaning my house, paying bills, making dinner, doing laundry, etc. all really that important? Hmm, probably not. Should I pay my bills on time? It's generally recommended.
I began wishing Time would stop. I stopped wanting to continue putting one foot in front of the other. I wished I had the strength to do absolutely nothing. I would've even settle for being able to sit on the couch with a good book and let the dishes pile up the in the sink, the toys engulf the floor, and make grilled cheese for dinner (Mmm, grilled cheese). I had reached a new limit.
It's like I've been handed the pieces to a 1000 piece puzzle with no picture of what it's supposed to look like. How do you pick your life back up after so much has re-defined it? We are all changed. I'm OK with that. I've learned more than I can ever put into words over the past year. The challenge is figuring out the applications (someone please tell me there's an app for this sort of thing).
I've witnessed enough of God's goodness and grace to know that this too shall pass. I have been strengthened, lifted, and carried before. If anyone is going to be abandoning anyone else, it sure ain't gonna be God abandoning me. I've experienced enough to know at least that. Do I always understand what He's doing with my life? Nope, not even close! But, as the saying goes, hindsight really is always 20/20. Sometimes we just have to get pretty far away before that picture clears up. Like right now, the break-down I'm experiencing makes absolutely no sense to me. I'm fine. Life is good. I shouldn't be melting down like this. But I am melting down. Yes, I'm FINE (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional). It's kind of like going through the mourning process. You can't heal unless you let every step happen. I'm not going to be able to effectively move forward if I don't let this take its course. These days I just pray for rest. To me that's more than just sleep. It's coming in pieces. Peace, contentment, and healing will creep up on me. It's always like that. Good things come to those who wait. Waiting is not my forte, but I will wait for this.
Remember those times when your adrenaline surged- like when you had to avoid a car accident (or perhaps an actual collision occurred)? Then remember how shaky you were directly afterwards when you realized what just happened? Oh, the let-down. Now take that experience and multiply it by, say, 11 months. We're currently in that shaky aftershock at our house. When we hit Maintenance with Derek's treatments (chemo visits only ever 4 weeks now) we were stoked! And for good reason. Little did we understand that we hadn't fully de-escalated from the whole Leukemia and new baby sha-bang yet. Let's just say I kinda feel like I've mentally been hit by a truck. Boom! The magnitude of all that's happened finally made me crumble. I thought I'd been knocked down before in the past months, but not like this. I discovered a new level of weary.
I'm not looking for sympathy. Quite the contrary. I HATE getting sympathy, in all honesty. Remember, I'm ornery like that. I'm just putting that out there so if I'm not quite myself, someone might recall this post and think, "Oh, Mindy's in a funk right now. She'll get over it." And get over I will. When and how? That's a great question and I wish I had the answer.
Anyone that knows me very well knows I'm an over-achiever. Before you start thinking that such a thing is wonderful. It's not. It's like some weird disease that can make you look amazing to others, but you're eating yourself alive inside. Slowing down is not something I naturally know how to do. I too-often measure my success and value on how much I get done. It's obnoxious and deep down I know it's counterfeit for my true worth and success. It just might take a few millenia before I overcome this one. There's that being-human thing again. Sigh.
Why did I just reveal the thing I struggle with the most? It's what made me realize how long I've been stressed because my kid has cancer. In the past few weeks I've become so wound up I can't sleep very well because I'm thinking of all the things that "need" to get done. Everything stresses me out. Even running (if that's not a serious sign, I don't know what is). And then I don't take time to smell the roses (in the form of enjoying my family and friends) because I have too much to do. Really? Are cleaning my house, paying bills, making dinner, doing laundry, etc. all really that important? Hmm, probably not. Should I pay my bills on time? It's generally recommended.
I began wishing Time would stop. I stopped wanting to continue putting one foot in front of the other. I wished I had the strength to do absolutely nothing. I would've even settle for being able to sit on the couch with a good book and let the dishes pile up the in the sink, the toys engulf the floor, and make grilled cheese for dinner (Mmm, grilled cheese). I had reached a new limit.
It's like I've been handed the pieces to a 1000 piece puzzle with no picture of what it's supposed to look like. How do you pick your life back up after so much has re-defined it? We are all changed. I'm OK with that. I've learned more than I can ever put into words over the past year. The challenge is figuring out the applications (someone please tell me there's an app for this sort of thing).
I've witnessed enough of God's goodness and grace to know that this too shall pass. I have been strengthened, lifted, and carried before. If anyone is going to be abandoning anyone else, it sure ain't gonna be God abandoning me. I've experienced enough to know at least that. Do I always understand what He's doing with my life? Nope, not even close! But, as the saying goes, hindsight really is always 20/20. Sometimes we just have to get pretty far away before that picture clears up. Like right now, the break-down I'm experiencing makes absolutely no sense to me. I'm fine. Life is good. I shouldn't be melting down like this. But I am melting down. Yes, I'm FINE (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional). It's kind of like going through the mourning process. You can't heal unless you let every step happen. I'm not going to be able to effectively move forward if I don't let this take its course. These days I just pray for rest. To me that's more than just sleep. It's coming in pieces. Peace, contentment, and healing will creep up on me. It's always like that. Good things come to those who wait. Waiting is not my forte, but I will wait for this.
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